5pm.
I woke up utterly disillusioned to reality. As I got off from bed, my head throbbed not in pain, but in blank and loathsome hysteria. I was in agony. I realized that I didn’t have a good dream, in fact I could not recollect if I ever had a good dream the past few weeks. Waking up with a numb headache. Waking up and getting off at the wrong side of the bed…well actually, I can only get off at one side.
I have developed a bad habit. It may as well contribute to my newfound travesty of waking up always in a mood of indifference. That habit is getting in front of the mirror and staring at my face with disgust. Disheveled hair, creases that would ultimately develop into wrinkles, skin that has been bombarded with endless acne, facial hair that seems to grow even while I shave, and dominantly, a set of troubled and tired eyes…eyes that has witnessed a lot of my unbecoming sanity. Sometimes I wish I could reach into the mirror and strangle the reflection of myself.
Then a cup of hot coffee becomes a mediator of the agitation between my conscious and subconscious self. I stand in the balcony sipping the vile concoction. At the first sip my mind goes blank, and when the cup is half empty, I begin thinking again… and the first thought always goes; what should I do now?
Then I try to remember all the things I have to do, and the things I started doing but left unfinished. The frustration begins to creep into my mind. So many things to do, so little time. I may have finished some things, but most are still left pending. Worse, I start taking more tasks and pile them up in my growing list of the unfinished. I can’t help it, I even try to do so many things at the same time, multitasking they say, but unfortunately I still get stuck leaving them undone.
At the end, I end up losing my mind.
9am.
At the end of my so-called day, I would try to sleep amongst thoughts of unfinished business. It would be a fruitless battle with insomnia by walking in circles, reading a book, playing playstation games on my PC until I tire my brains out.
Then the cycle begins.
{ Currently listening to: } nothing
{ I am reading: } nothing
{ Currently watching: } nothing
{ I Feel: } confused
Written by domz at 08:15 PM.
adik_mari
202.57.66.90
erm.. you catholic?.. or christian? try asking help from the One up there.. or maybe you just really need something to lighten your mood or something.. or someone to talk to?.. (: no one’s perfect.. and i’ve been thinking.. well, i did think like this ever since i go through that self-loathing thing.. if you don’t think of the problem, it goes away and if you don’t want it to visit you.. it never does.. if you think about it, it becomes worst.. at least to me.. you stress about it.. you thinking about it will soon make your head hurt because of thinking.. and physical appearances can be changed.. it’s the inside that doesn’t and the way you think.. besides even if you’re pretty, if you really do think you’re not pretty now (i know you’re a guy.. pretty boys.. hehe..), it is of no use if your attitude stinks.. not that i’m saying yours do.. i don’t even know you..
pak.. i’m sorry for this very long comment.. i just typed and typed and i’m stopping now.. sorry.. if i ended up not saying anything useful.. hope you feel better.. and hope the vicious cycle stops.. (: maybe you just need someone or something to keep you sane.. a book or something?.. or another cup of coffee?..
domz
210.213.174.140
sadly i’m a non-practising cath. i did try one day to see if faith is what i needed, and i still ended up empty-handed. Although I still have some hope left, venting out thru my blog(s) seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane nowadays. I appreciate you taking time reading and commenting. It makes me smile to see someone actually understanding my pointless rantings… no need for the sorry, I feel a better now. thanks 🙂
i’m cutting back on coffee…
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